Love. . .

So, love is something that we all have in our life. As Romeo and Juliet say, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Even as infants, we feel it, before we have the word to define it. . .and we feel the lack of it, in those sad situations, even as babies. We, as humans, crave love, and we find it in a lot of places. We have parents, siblings, extended family, friends. Then you have love that is more respect really. . .like your favorite teacher. Then there is the unattainable (like vampires and actors) or the crushes that we have, even when we are young. There is, of course, the love affair we have with ourselves for a lifetime. Then there is romantic love.

Nothing bites quite like the first taste of love. It can be wonderful and horrible all at once. First love is a lot more about figuring out who we are, really, than it is about loving someone else I think. My first love? Most people assume it is with my son's father, seeing as how I was the ripe old age of 15 when I got pregnant, and all of 16 when I got married. At the time, sure, I thought that was love. Then I had Kevin. Sigh. But I didn't really have any problems when Kevin's dad and I split up. Not angst, or anything. I was a huge Bible thumper, so my only real problem was what divorce would do. But I don't recall even missing him. Of course, that's a long story and maybe it had just run it's course by then.

No, my first love was my first girlfriend. If you know me, you know her name. I'll not use it here. Just in case. But from the moment I laid eyes on her, it was all consuming. Maybe it is because I was with a man, I mean, with Kevin's dad. Maybe that's why my first long relationship doesn't really make me think of true, heartbreaking love. I don't know. Anyway, she owned me from the first second I saw her. At first, it was something raw, and pure. I didn't think it funny that we were very different. She was very cultured, having been raised to see plays and concerts (orchestras, not rock!), and knew all about things that I never thought of. I, on the other hand, was all about pop culture: what's on tv? What's on the radio? She was still in high school. I wasn't (I graduated early due to being a mom already, etc.). She was thin. I wasn't (although I was a lot thinner than I am now!). She was dark haired. I was blonde. I don't know what brought me to her, but I was consumed. Like paper in a fire.

We weren't good for each other. We never should have been together. There are reasons I won't put here (the really bad stuff), but we were doomed from day one. We were only two years apart in age, but there's something to be said about the age difference when one of us is a mother, has been married and divorced (sorta), and is very goal oriented. We were separated by circumstance, and I nearly had a breakdown being away from  her. Every weekend, I made the trek (by bus, train, whatever means I could) to see her. We talked daily. It was the best of times, the worst of times.

But I LOVED HER! She was my heart. She had my heart. She had my soul. I didn't carry the baggage then, despite the divorce, etc, that I do now. I gave her everything I had, and never thought twice about it. She let me in, without the guards we learn to put in place. And we were. . .well, she was love to me. After a couple of years, it got too hard. We knew it was over. And it ended. There wasn't drama, really. It just ended when it ran it's course. And until recently, in the 10 years or so since I last saw/talked to her, I still thought about her every single day of my life. 

Love is like that. "Love can touch you one time, and last for a lifetime" says Celine Dion in her song, My Heart Will Go On. It's true. I held onto that for so long. I loved her. And I was shattered when it ended. I never again just gave anybody my heart that way I did then. Obviously, there is a lot of detail I've omitted here. But the point I was trying to make, or rather the things I thought about that made me sit down to write this blog, is that love is something that we all have whether we seek it or not. I think love is something that is taken for granted a lot. It seems like something that we should all bask in the glow of, but we become worn and tattered. Not only from our first love, after which we are (at least romantically) never the same. Love changes us, for the bad and the good. Love makes us stronger, or it tears us apart. It doesn't matter who we are. . .even if we are people who don't ever taste love in a romantic sense, we are changed by it, RULED by it even. The lack of it is just as strong as the total immersion in it. It's such a powerful thing.