Choices. . .

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about choices. I've come to see that choices that we think are thought out from every angle, well, they can have new angles down the road. I'm not one to regret. I have never been one to look back and think that my choices are wrong. I'm not one to look back and wonder what could have been if I took the other path. I can see my choices, and I can see how they shaped me. But, lately, I've been wondering if I truly had a concept of how my choices may affect me down the road.

Let's just break it down to the big thing right now: I know I'm not perfect. I know that I have made choices and I own them. I have a list that I keep in my own head of the things that I don't like about myself, the things I can change, the things I know that I will have to live with. It isn't until I see the SAME list of things reflected back to me by somebody else as reasons they couldn't be with you that they become sources of major contention. I have 12 tattoos. . .each one, at the time it was done, meant something important to me. I don't get memorial tattoos. . .I get things that mean something to me. In most cases, you can't see them when I am dressed normally. I did this on purpose. . .but now I'm thinking that maybe I didn't think them through at all. I never considered that they could block something good from being a part of my life. . .

Lately I've been thinking about my choice to abandon any and all religion. I don't feel like any God could have let me see the things I've seen, or go through the things I've gone through. There are things. . .let's just say that sometimes it's hard to imagine that I went through something because God gave the other people in the situation free will. I know God. ..we just don't communicate well. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like maybe it's time to find some strength in the Lord, and I wonder how much different my life could be with that simple choice made.

I've been thinking marriage and children. I never thought I'd want to be married or have more kids. I've always thought it wouldn't be fair to my child, who is literally older than I was when I got pregnant with him, to have siblings that could be fairly close in age to his own children. Now I've begun to think that God has a plan for me, and I shouldn't prevent it from happening. As for marriage, well, I've always had an interesting view of it. I really believe that if you go into a marriage with even one hang up that goes something like "if this person ever does (blank), I'm gone" that it means you are expecting to fail. I think that the best way to go into it is to say "no matter what, we are making this work. Divorce is not an option." Perhaps that is idealistic. But I know that my parents, and especially my grandparents, had been married forever by the time they were my age. My grandparents were married 63 years. Amazing. And as sad as it was to watch my grandfather after my grandmother died. . .I couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to share a love, a life, that way. It's a dream of mine. . .to sit on a porch swing after twenty, thirty, fifty years with somebody and to not have to speak because the movies of our life just play in our minds. The comfort of having walked a path filled with laughter, love, heartache, health scares, children, lean times, rich times, would be so fulfilling. I've not let myself admit that because I don't think I deserve it. But I do.

Weight. . .sigh. Well, I obviously made a million little choices that led to me being this weight. I ate what I wanted and let the scale reflect it. I did little to attempt control. . .and now I have to face the battle of taking the weight off. I've got a good running start. . .but I wonder if I'm really cut out to be thin. I don't really think I'll ever see myself as a thin, pretty girl. It reflects in other choices. . .like choosing to wear boy clothes, be a tomboy, not do anything that makes me girly. To me, girly is weak. Girly asks for trouble. But I'm not as tough as I look. I WANT to be healthy. I don't care what the scale says. I WANT to feel good when I walk down the street. I want to know that, even if I have loose skin or areas that gravity hasn't been kind to, I have the right to be thin. . .and healthy. I've put off quitting smoking just so that I wouldn't balloon up with eating my way through cravings. Two days into the quitting smoking thing, well, I'm doing fine.

I am my own worse enemy. I'm working to better myself. I'm working to finish what I start. I'm working on believing that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to. And I'm working to look back and learn the lessons I needed from my decisions in the past, things I haven't looked at before because I don't want to dwell in the past. Choices. . .

Love. . .

So, love is something that we all have in our life. As Romeo and Juliet say, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Even as infants, we feel it, before we have the word to define it. . .and we feel the lack of it, in those sad situations, even as babies. We, as humans, crave love, and we find it in a lot of places. We have parents, siblings, extended family, friends. Then you have love that is more respect really. . .like your favorite teacher. Then there is the unattainable (like vampires and actors) or the crushes that we have, even when we are young. There is, of course, the love affair we have with ourselves for a lifetime. Then there is romantic love.

Nothing bites quite like the first taste of love. It can be wonderful and horrible all at once. First love is a lot more about figuring out who we are, really, than it is about loving someone else I think. My first love? Most people assume it is with my son's father, seeing as how I was the ripe old age of 15 when I got pregnant, and all of 16 when I got married. At the time, sure, I thought that was love. Then I had Kevin. Sigh. But I didn't really have any problems when Kevin's dad and I split up. Not angst, or anything. I was a huge Bible thumper, so my only real problem was what divorce would do. But I don't recall even missing him. Of course, that's a long story and maybe it had just run it's course by then.

No, my first love was my first girlfriend. If you know me, you know her name. I'll not use it here. Just in case. But from the moment I laid eyes on her, it was all consuming. Maybe it is because I was with a man, I mean, with Kevin's dad. Maybe that's why my first long relationship doesn't really make me think of true, heartbreaking love. I don't know. Anyway, she owned me from the first second I saw her. At first, it was something raw, and pure. I didn't think it funny that we were very different. She was very cultured, having been raised to see plays and concerts (orchestras, not rock!), and knew all about things that I never thought of. I, on the other hand, was all about pop culture: what's on tv? What's on the radio? She was still in high school. I wasn't (I graduated early due to being a mom already, etc.). She was thin. I wasn't (although I was a lot thinner than I am now!). She was dark haired. I was blonde. I don't know what brought me to her, but I was consumed. Like paper in a fire.

We weren't good for each other. We never should have been together. There are reasons I won't put here (the really bad stuff), but we were doomed from day one. We were only two years apart in age, but there's something to be said about the age difference when one of us is a mother, has been married and divorced (sorta), and is very goal oriented. We were separated by circumstance, and I nearly had a breakdown being away from  her. Every weekend, I made the trek (by bus, train, whatever means I could) to see her. We talked daily. It was the best of times, the worst of times.

But I LOVED HER! She was my heart. She had my heart. She had my soul. I didn't carry the baggage then, despite the divorce, etc, that I do now. I gave her everything I had, and never thought twice about it. She let me in, without the guards we learn to put in place. And we were. . .well, she was love to me. After a couple of years, it got too hard. We knew it was over. And it ended. There wasn't drama, really. It just ended when it ran it's course. And until recently, in the 10 years or so since I last saw/talked to her, I still thought about her every single day of my life. 

Love is like that. "Love can touch you one time, and last for a lifetime" says Celine Dion in her song, My Heart Will Go On. It's true. I held onto that for so long. I loved her. And I was shattered when it ended. I never again just gave anybody my heart that way I did then. Obviously, there is a lot of detail I've omitted here. But the point I was trying to make, or rather the things I thought about that made me sit down to write this blog, is that love is something that we all have whether we seek it or not. I think love is something that is taken for granted a lot. It seems like something that we should all bask in the glow of, but we become worn and tattered. Not only from our first love, after which we are (at least romantically) never the same. Love changes us, for the bad and the good. Love makes us stronger, or it tears us apart. It doesn't matter who we are. . .even if we are people who don't ever taste love in a romantic sense, we are changed by it, RULED by it even. The lack of it is just as strong as the total immersion in it. It's such a powerful thing. 

Let's talk Christmas!

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas. Let me explain. I love the driving around and seeing all the lights. I love going to church programs, even though I don't DO church on a regular basis---it's not that I don't believe, it's just that I don't believe you have to go to church or anything to have a relationship with God (whoever that may be in your own personal definition, of course). I love the idea of decorating for the holiday. And I love the idea of gifts. I love to see faces light up in surprise when you give something totally unexpected, or something the person wanted more than anything. . .I love that. I even love the idea of snowmen and a White Christmas (just not a white New Year, Valentine's Day, Easter and various other days in between!).

Here's the hate part: I hate the greed, the expectations and the general unhappiness. See, I hate that people expect things from you. Not only do they expect things, but are visibly disappointed when the gift "comes from the heart" instead of from the wallet. In a year where the economy sucks, up to a quarter of people are unemployed, and everyone has had to cut some corners, it seems silly to run out and buy STUFF. Why not offer up the gifts you can make? Homemade baked goods, cards and gifts. Pictures that don't cost anything to print and a small frame to hold them in that capture the perfect memory of you and that person? But no, people are still after the latest gadget and most recent movie. People still want the new video game (at a not too affordable cost at about $50 a pop!). They still expect you to include them.

I hate that the people at Wal-Mart shove and fight over the last toy in stock. I hate that more and more people walk into a store to buy the aforementioned gadget that costs fifty, a hundred, or more, and can't stop to drop a few cents into the donation bin outside. I hate that people buy all this food that will probably not get eaten in its entirety, but can't "afford" to drop a can of something for those less fortunate. I hate that people are buying new coats and blankets but stuff their old ones in a closet when they could be giving them to those who don't have any. Basically, I can't stand that people think they are unemployed, so they can't give, they are not one of the unlucky ones. So not true! Basically, I think the commercialization of Christmas is insane. Sure, I love the sales on food, on gifts, clothes, etc, as much as the next person. But I don't love that people, even in a time as tough as now, are out spending to keep up with the neighbors.

I love what Christmas is supposed to mean. I love that you are supposed to be in a giving spirit. I just wish people did more adopting of families, and donating their time than trying to get the best gift. I love that Christmas is about family, even though I don't get to see a single person I'm related to in anyway. I love that I get to open cards, not to see what money or anything is in it, but because it means somebody thought of me. I hate that people open the card and toss it, even if it is generic, only because they wanted the money in it. I hate that people allow their kids to do that. It's a horrible thing to teach your children!

Most of all, I hate that Christmas creates waste and is way past what it is meant to be. People are celebrating the holiday, in a gift buying and giving frenzy, but they are not celebrating the meaning of it. Christmas is supposed to celebrate Christ. It's supposed to be about giving. It's supposed to be about family, not how much you spend. It's supposed to be about togetherness and hope. Not in America.Where has the tradition gone? I don't know. I want to find it though. . .maybe it's under the commercialization of America. Maybe it got buried under the flat screen TV or thrown out with the bag of wrapping paper. Maybe it's in a landfill with the health of our environment. Or maybe it's floating in the sky, but we can't see it through the smog.

As a matter of fact, next  year I'm going to ask everybody for one thing: instead of buying me a gift. . .donate to something that means anything to them. Cancer research, homelessness, some cause that they are passionate about. Here's why: One holiday I remember going to a large family get together and the only gifts anybody got were Target gift cards. An aunt gave a cousin one, the cousin gave the aunt one, the kids got moms cards, the moms got kids some, etc. By the time all was said and done I was thinking: why didn't people just get want they wanted and not exchange gifts? Why not give the money to charity?

What are your thoughts on Christmas?

Hi Mom, I'm gay!

1. My sexual orientation has nothing to do with obsessions, like the rest of this blog, so I apologize up front.

2. This is probably the only time you will hear me wax philosophical on the gay thing, as I think it is a stupid a thing to pick on as the color of a person's eyes. (even if there is only one person who reads this thing anyway).

Those guidelines being set, I identify as a lesbian. To put you through some history, I do have a biological aunt who is gay (although she was in the military for 20 yrs and has never said it, I just KNOW). So, there is the possibility that it is hereditary. .. but who cares if it is or not anyway? Second, my first girlfriend was the first lesbian I ever met. Ok, to be honest, I had probably met others, I just wasn't privy to this fact at the time. So she was the first outed lesbian I had met. Fast forward a bit, because that relationship is really for another blog (or 10), to the part where I tell you that I am not a gay activist. Sometimes it seems that the two go hand in hand.

Let me explain. The aforementioned girlfriend was my "introduction" into what it means to be gay. I was with her for awhile, and to my recollection, it was months, if not a year or so, before I even met another gay person, and probably another five years before I immersed myself in gay culture. Anyway, she was out. . .her friends and family knew that she was gay. While that's a huge thing for a not-yet 18 year old to have the courage to admit to family, it's still pretty closeted. Why do I say that? Because walk with her down a street and it wasn't like she'd hold you hand or anything. To any stranger we were just two friends. She wasn't above doing something for shock value in public, but that's another story again. I met another gay woman a short time later, and she was also out to her family and friends, but was not overt about it either. This made me believe two things: its ok for your friends to know, but hide it from strangers.

Well, the coming out to my mother didn't go well. She's ok with it now, but then, she and most of my family thought it was a phase. Hell, maybe I would have thought the same thing. My friends, they were easier to win over. As a matter of fact, the one that I had the most trouble convincing, well she turned out to be gay too, so ha on her! But I digress. Basically, my roots in gay life were not civic at all. Sure, the marriage thing came up. Or over the course of time a random hand hold in public would set off some stranger and they would say something like "disgusting!" or "abomination!" I learned that I was different. Different in a way that the president found it necessary to strip my rights from me. Different in a way that I would be discriminated against. Shocking, in the 21st century, right?

So I decided I wanted to go to a pride event. The July of my 22nd or 23rd year (or maybe even a year or two later. . .) I went to my first pride as a spectator. I was in awe. I didn't stay long, I didn't do much, but it was eye opening to me. It was AMAZING to be in a place with thousands--no tens of thousands---of people who were just like me and who were not going to comment on anything "perverse" I was doing simply by being myself. The next year, I volunteered to do security at pride. That was amazing, too. It was a long, hard day, but I loved it. Again, the feeling that I was among people that were all treated the same way I am, just overwhelming. I continued to visit pride festivities in San Diego and out, for most years since then. But do you know what the most powerful moment of my life is thus far?

One year Cyndi Lauper performed at San Diego Pride. 30,000+ people were there, watching her perform. So many that temporary fences were either taken down or trampled over. One of the last songs she sang there was "True Colors." When the chorus came up, the entire crowd sang with her. Imagine, a crowd of gay people and their friends/families, singing that song. A crowd of 30,000+ people. It was the single most powerful moment of my life. 

So I am not an activist. I don't protest or picket. I don't really pay all that close attention to where gay issues are in the news. ..although wtf if us with Iowa legalizing gay marriage? IOWA? Thought it would be one of the last. Anyway, As a matter of fact, I am not sure I believe in marriage. I think if it passes, and gay people are allowed to marry, well, I think we will be blamed for the collapse of marriage as an institution. And I think that is worse. But I do think it is stupid to take the rights others have from any group of people. I do think they should lift "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" because good people are losing their good job defending our country when they are caught "being gay." Also, who cares? For some reason our society thinks that gayness is all about sex. It's not. Just because a gay man is on a Navy ship, it doesn't mean he will be having sex with every seaman on the boat. Is every straight woman or man attracted to every man or woman they see? NO. So why would it be the same with a gay person? Sheesh. Anyway, I think it's odd that so many christian people, when asked, will say that it's an abomination to be gay (quoting biblical verses that state things about man lying with man as he lies with woman), but isn't it an abomination to think about what any two people are doing behind closed doors? 

So no, I don't picket. I don't even vote half the time. But I do believe that all man was created equal. If I had lived during the woman's right movement (or before woman had them), I probably would have been the same way. I don't really feel strongly enough. Maybe that's because I'm not really all that oppressed. I don't really want to go out and marry right now. Perhaps if I did, I would picket. Who knows? Anyway, that's my little diatribe on being gay.

Oh, and Hi Mom! I'm gay!

A Martinez

So, I feel sorta weird when I talk about A Martinez now. I have a small degree of separation from him, as one of my closest friends actually counts him among her own closest friends. Growing up, he was one of my idols. . .although that's not the right word. Role model? Idealistic dream? Somebody I admired? Maybe a little of all. Not so much a fantasy. . .but definitely somebody that reached "heartthrob" status in my world. Not necessarily to the same degree that people fawn over, say, Taylor Lautner or Johnny Depp, but at any point that I can remember, he was among those who I would count as my favorite entertainers.

My first encounter with A was obviously as Cruz Castillo on the soap Santa Barbara (see other blog for more on that). Even as a pre-teen, I knew there was something special. I devoured articles on him. I watched SB when my parents had forbidden it. I soaked up the sight of him on Soap mags in the grocery stores, and would wander the store reading the articles while dodging my mother. I can't think of another person who I was so into that I would do that, much less somebody that would still make me walk the store, reading an article.

Cruz was the perfect man. Sure, he had faults, but don't ask me to name them. When I think of Cruz, I think of A, and when I think of A, I think of Cruz. I can see Cruz in every character that A portrays. Maybe that's because he's almost always the hero, the cop, the strong man helping out the lady in distress. But maybe it's because A puts so much of who he really is in every character he brings to life. Marcy Walker said it best by saying about A: "I know him, like I know Cruz."
Cruz loved Eden. He loved her and knew when to let her go live her life. He knew what to say and how to say it and he knew when he'd been pushed too far. A, as an actor, knew when he was being asked to play something that he knew was not plausible (ala, Robert Barr's intrusion, played by the wonderful Roscoe Born), how to make it real for the audience. He knew how to bring grief into appropriate places, and how to make things real. It's because of Cruz that Cruz & Eden were the most memorable of the so-called Super Couples.

An odd tangent on Super Couples for a second. We've all heard of Luke and Laura. The first, the ultimate soap couple. Then there is Josh & Reva (stupid Kim Zimmer ruined my beloved SB, ha!). Jack & Jenn, Patch & Kayla, Ryan & Vicky, Greg & Jenny, Shane & Kim, Mason & Julia, Bo & Hope, need I go on? There were awesome, tragic, wonderful stories. The stories that are Epic, spanning years, breaking hearts (to paraphrase Logan from Veronica Mars). I had my favorites, but none of them were as poignant to me as the love story of Cruz & Eden. Why?

Most of the things put before Cruz and Eden were somewhat believable. They, unlike most other people in soapdom, did not go around sleeping with everybody in town. As a matter of fact, for the exception of a couple of incidents beyond their control (Cruz & Tori, for example), and other marriages or flashbacks from before they were together, there was no sex outside of their relationship. Of course, there was sex in their relationship. Early on, there is one day in soapdom (sometimes days can last for weeks of episodes), on SB where Cruz & Eden "do it" about five times, and I only know that because they are donning and shedding the same clothes. ..but I digress. Anyway, so they knew they loved each other. They knew they belonged together. And so even when things kept them apart, they stayed true to that.

Sure, Kirk Cranston wasn't that believable, but the idea that Eden may marry him to protect her true love, is. Sure, Santana is not that believable, but Cruz marrying her when he can't have Eden, that is. Sure, Eden disappeared when her deranged half-sister arranged for her to do so, but Cruz stayed in his grief long enough for her to return home. My point is, A made this all believable. It didn't matter that a house on the beach in Santa Barbara would not be affordable on a policeman's salary, A made you believe that it was affordable. He was a good friend to people, even when he shouldn't be (what the heck was the Cain thing about?). He protected his family, at all costs. He was a man's man, a one woman man, and a gentleman.

A has an appearance on Criminal Minds tonight. I enjoy seeing him play characters on tv, although I wish he were still on regularly. I'm sure he's getting ready to retire at some point, though. I loved him on CSI. I loved him on Huff. I loved him on LA Law and again on the Profiler. I loved him in each Lifetime movie he ever was in. I loved him in the early stuff he did, including Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys, Incredible Hulk and Remington Steel. I loved him in PowWow Highway and Once Upon a Wedding. A has the ability to make even the smallest role seem important to the movie or story he is part of. And this is why he resonates to me today.

All I can say is, I hope to see A, the wonderful actor, in a regular job. I would love to see him have a role on a medical show, that lasts, or a criminal show. Or maybe even a sitcom of sorts. I would love to see A put out another CD. But ultimately, I am grateful for having been touched by his talent. I am lucky enough to have participated in a single one on one chat, as well as a couple of group chats with him, and I can attest that he is just as gracious as any of the characters he has played.

Santa Barbara---My first true love, pt 1

It is often strange to people that I am still interested (much less obsessed) with a soap opera---especially one that began when I was only 6 years old and ended a mere 9 years later, shortly before my 15th birthday. So, a soap that has been off the air for 16 years. . .half my life. Why would I be so interested?

Santa Barbara aired after Days of our Lives and Another World. My cousin, Shayna, would babysit me when I was younger, and she would try to get me and my other cousin, Heather, to nap while she watched her soaps. I was not a nap kinda kid. Therefore, I had to sit and be quiet, and naturally I would watch tv with her, and soaps were on. I don't think I was interested so much when I was 6, but by the time I was 8, and especially 10, and then again at age 12, I was very involved. To make it even more interesting, I would spend a week or two with my dad and step mom in the summer, and she watched the same shows, so I was hooked. Did I like Days and AW? Sure I did. I had my favorite people, but nothing touched me so closely as Santa Barbara did.

So what made it special? As an adult, I have more insight into this than I did then, so I'll just start with the real draw for me: Cruz and Eden, played to perfection by the amazing duo of A Martinez and Marcy Walker. This couple became my dream. They were funny at times. They shared adventures, they loved, and the angst they had when they weren't together (as soaps so often do to our favorite couples--hey, even tv shows in general), was so real you would cry. Cruz and Eden were pure magic to me. The ideal couple that I wanted to be half of. I got my dream of going to Paris from watching them walk the Seine and dance in front of the Eiffel Tower. I got my dream of a victorian wedding from their wedding. I discovered the real Santa Barbara, and fell in love with it. I fell in love with Pebble Beach.

So in Santa Barbara's mere 8.5 years on the air, I gained an idealistic view of marriage (albeit one filled with villians, ex-lovers and stupid reasons to be apart), and this stuck with me. This stuck with me after Marcy Walker left the show, after A Martinez left the show, and ultimately after the show closed it's doors for the final time. It ended in 1993, before internet was popular, before ebay. It wasn't until many years later, well into the 21st century that I sat down one day and decided to google the couple and show that had been my constant companion throughout my formidable young years.

And that google search changed my life. I found out things I never knew: I was not the only person pining for the long lost show. I was able to locate clips of the show, and later find them on youtube. I was able to collect tapes, and watch them til they broke. More importantly, I was able to share the love I had for the show and this couple, with people who were just as crazy as I was. And I met a few really good people. People who I still talk to, and who I hold among my closest friends. The friendships aren't totally immersed in SB anymore, they've evolved beyond that. But I credit SB with the beginning of each of them.

I don't know if this begins to express how I feel about the show, maybe I'll be able to express that better in part 2. Stay tuned for that! I'm also planning to write up a blog about my Santa Barbara road trip. :)

Vampires have taken over my life!

Where did my fascination with vampires truly start? I mean, I genrally don't like science fiction. I'm not a fan of most sci-fi tv shows or movies, I don't like comics, I never read Anne Rice. The only reason I watched Interview With a Vampire is because at the time I appreciated Brad Pitt. So what exactly kicked off my vampire obsession?

It began with the book The Historian. It's by Elizabeth Kostavo (may be spelled wrong). I'm a big fan of history. That being said, I find it difficult to just read text book history. I like it better when it is told through the eyes of characters, or biographies, or at the very least through well-researched fiction. This is why I love the historian. The book is not about vampires, per se, but more about the hunt. It's richly layered and has intense character development. I don't want to give it away to the one person who will actually read this blog, but it is an amazing book. What does this have to do with Vampires? Well, it is about Dracula. The real Vlad Dracul, the real legends surrounding Transylvania and other old European countries and how the originial vampire legend came to be. I read it twice. That was the first book I read that dealt in any way with vampires, and I am proud to say I read it twice.

That was a while ago. Enter the Twilight Saga. I devoured the books, but was left with a sense of "what's all the fuss about?" Then I saw the first movie, and was devastated at how horrible it was. I have seen movies on Lifetime that were made better with more acting in them! But, since Twilight was a book first, I didn't let the horrid movie put me off. No, I just felt that the last two books sort of rambled, and could have been better as one book, with a lot of unnecessary stuff cut out. And I felt that the last book had a lot of stuff inappropriate for the age group that was targeted as an audience.

While I mulled over the Twilight ups and downs, I was turned onto the Sookie Stackhouse books. I read all 9 in a week. I was enthralled. Was I team Erik or team Bill? Did I like the fairies? Did I like the supes? Was I team Sam? I think what appealed to me here is that these books are simple. Of course the heroine has had 9 books worth of near-death experiences, which is probably a bit much. But they are part romance too. Will Sookie pick Erik? Will she find a human to love? Will she go back to Bill? Then I watched the tv show, True Blood. UGH. Again, I hate it. Even if I overlook the obvious stray from the books that is bound to happen when you take nine 300 pg books and turn them into several seasons of tv, but it's HORRIBLY acted. I think anybody else could have done better. Kirk Cameron in the chritian version could do better, IMO!.

Enter the release of New Moon, movie two. I find myself dragging friends to the premiere at midnight, standing in line for hours. I liked this movie. It may not have received good reviews, but I think it is a flippin' masterpiece in comparison to the first movie. Sure, Kristen Stewart still can't act, but it works here because she is supposed to be lackluster and dull, she's depressed. The movie did not stray far from the book. I think it's nice for fans, because without the original fans, the readers, there wouldn't have been a movie. For whatever reason, this movie set off a frenzy! I re-read all 4 books in a week----TWICE! I watched that horrible first movie night after night! UGH.

Then I started to analyze it. I decided Edward is a stalker. Bella is not very strong, for a female lead. Jacob is whiney. Charlie is an ostrich. The characters may not be great, but the fundamental heart of the story is the love between Bella and Edward. We've all been there. We fell in love that first time, and we wanted to live forever. We wanted to know that we could suspend that moment in time, never having to hurt or heal or die! That's what appeals to me. Despite the flaws. And also, I'm all for anything that gets kids reading. Really, I am.

So, maybe I'm not in love with vampires. Maybe I'm just a sucker for a good love story. If you know me, you know that I have a history that tells me this is true, at least in part.

Vampires, or no vampires, reading remains my favorite pasttime. I love to share books and discover new authors, good or bad. :)